From The Diary Of A Broken Woman (III)

If you missed the first parts of these series, you can catch up here to help you appreciate this part better: From The Diary Of A Broken Woman (I) and From The Diary Of A Broken Woman (II)

Excerpt from part II: One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room...On the coffee table, there was a piece of paper. I knew what it is all about without even looking at it. I looked at him, took off my hat and said calmly: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine. As I hung up my coat, I kept repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry...". My eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out. After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled a shaky smile, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me. Without even looking at what it said, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him.

"LD, are you pregnant?"

Part III

Since mother's accident, that was the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me, tears in his eyes too. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me. I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but at that moment, I just couldn't. I remembered the girl at the restaurant,the cold look he had that day, the memory was fresh on my mind, forever imprinted, like a tattoo. I realized both had deeply scarred each other. The difference was, for me, it was unintentional; for him, it was totally intentional.

He moved back home, but I was totally cold towards him. I didn't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart. Sometimes, hubby would to come into my bedroom,but I would immediately walk out. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. Some nights, I would hear groaning from his room and ignore them. I thought it was a trick to get me to go to him. Hubby's groaning came on and off but I continuously ignored him. Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby - all sorts of things. He stacked bags and bags of them inside his room. I knew he was trying to use this to reach out to me, but I was no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I would hear his typing away on his computer keyboard. I just didn't care anymore.

One late night, sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, I screamed because of a sudden stabbing pain in my stomach, hubby came rushing into the room, he hadn't changed out of his clothes, as if he had been waiting for that moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs and stopped a car. He held my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried in his arms like a child. While I lay against his broad chest, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did? He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain.

When I came out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, he had tears in his eyes and a smile on his lips. I reached out and touched his hand. It was a magical moment for a moment - as if we had both forgotten all the pain of the previous months. But in the next moment, it was over and hubby slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him. He still smiled, but his eyes would not open. I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I had never felt a deeper pain than at that moment. The doctor later told me that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral." 

I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his

computer, and a suffocating pain hit me. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning had been real! On his computer, I saw over 200 thousand words he had written for our son. Hubby had also written a letter to me: "My dear, marrying you was my greatest joy, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you about my illness. Thank you for loving me, despite all. Please, could you help me to give some of these presents to our son every year, I've labelled each one..."

I went back to the hospital, hubby was still in a coma. I brought our son over and placed him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I pushed a camera button and the sound of the shutter rang through the quiet room. Tears spilled down my face unrestrained.

Just one fatal misunderstanding and the person who loved me the most in the World was gone forever. Cruel misunderstandings one after another destroyed our bliss. Now all I have is my son when I could have had them all.

The end.

Author unknown.